Last weekend, 13 couples participated in our annual, marriage prep seminar at the parish led by Dcn. Dennis and his wife, Jo Crimmins. They did an excellent job! Some of the topics included the Sacrament of Matrimony, Natural Family Planning (NFP), sexuality, communication & conflict management, parenting, legal issues, and financial issues. While all of these very important topics were covered well, I just want to highlight three dangers to a healthy, faithful and sustainable marriage (and there are many more). What are they? Two out of the three dangers, pornography and contraception, that were covered in the seminar, will be mentioned here in this article.
First, is pornography. Dcn. Dennis educated the young couples on the danger that pornography can cause to marriages. Pornography, a grave sin against chastity, “consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials” (Catechism 2354).
In addition, there are what’s called the 4 A’s of porn: Accessibility, Affordability, Anonymity, and Addiction. It’s easy to get access to it online. Much of it out there is free. While one can use it in the privacy of their own home, and think no one is watching, God sees all, and everything we do these days is tracked electronically. Finally, it’s addictive just like alcohol and gambling but stronger, so strong, that using porn affects the chemicals in the brain similar to when a person uses crack cocaine. “When viewing pornography becomes an addiction, 40 percent of ‘sex addicts’ lose their spouses, 58 percent suffer considerable financial losses, and about a third lose their jobs,” said Pat Fagan at the Family Research Council (Source: http://www.frc.org/onepagers/the-effects-of-pornography-on-individuals-marriage-family-and-community ). There are tools to help men and women through addiction. One tool is called Covenant Eyes, which is a Catholic internet filter that also allows one the option to have accountability partners. The other tool is an online therapy and recovery program called Reclaim Sexual Health, also by a Catholic company, named Candeo. In addition, the U.S. Bishops wrote a pastoral response to pornography last year (2015) entitled, “Create in Me A Clean Heart.” Check it out at the following website: http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/human-life-and-dignity/pornography/upload/Create-in-Me-a-Clean-Heart-Statement-on-Pornography.pdf . The following is a prayer one can pray before going on the Internet composed by Fr. Zuhlsdorf:
Almighty and eternal God, who created us in Thine image and bade us to seek after all that is good, true and beautiful, especially in the Divine person of Thine Only-begotten Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, grant, we beseech Thee, that, through the intercession of Saint Isidore, Bishop and Doctor, during our journeys through the internet we will direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee and treat with charity and patience all those souls whom we encounter. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Second, I was blessed to tackle the difficult and controversial topic of contraception. Our faith teaches us that contraception is an intrinsic evil (always an evil act in which no good could ever come from it), and it communicates whether by word or through the language of the body that “I give my spouse everything…except my fertility.” In sum, spouses can never justify using contraception as morally acceptable means (Catechism 2370, 2399).
Having worked in the pharmaceutical industry for three years prior to entering seminary, I worked for a drug wholesaler that sold medications to “mom and pop” pharmacies across the country, the majority of which, did help people. But sadly, it also sold contraception that enabled people in an immoral way. Contraception not only hurts women, but can poison their bodies and even cause death in some cases, which is a realistic side effect. For example, Merck, a manufacturer of the widely-promoted NuvaRing, faced at least 730 lawsuits in the U.S. for blood clot-related injuries and deaths associated with its use. About 40 deaths were linked to NuvaRing” (Source: United States Conference of Catholic Bishops). There are more examples. (Just send me an e-mail, and I will send you the presentation…43 slides plus 50 pages of research that I did as a senior project in my last year of seminary less than two years ago). Contraceptives can also act as abortifacients like through RU-486, Ella and other contraceptives. There are moral implications in taking contraceptives too. Our Church has always taught contraception is morally wrong. Even in 1968, when Pope Paul VI’s letter, Humanae Vitae (Human Life), was made public, there was much resistance in the rebellious culture of the time and even at the highest levels in the Church too.
Third, before couples get married, many are living together. This is a term that has come to be known as “cohabitation.” If a couple lives together before marriage as “brother and sister,” that is fine, although very difficult and rare. If a couple lives together and is involved sexually, they are committing the sin of fornication and would be advised to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. All are called to be chaste before marriage. But cohabitation before marriage can also be dangerous. Why? According to the Catholic News Agency, “couples who live together before marriage actually have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don’t. And about 60% of couples who cohabit break up without marrying” (Source: http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/resources/life-and-family/marriage/cohabitation-and-churchs-teaching/). I challenge all young couples live a chaste life before marriage. Not only pray for your future spouse, but save the gift of your sexuality for your future spouse too. You will be glad you did. If you haven’t been chaste, then start again today, a term called “secondary virginity.” One of the greatest talks I ever heard on the topic of chastity was by a young Catholic named Jason Evert. He is now happily married and part of a strong Catholic network of speakers that can be found at http://www.chastityproject.com .
I believe we can learn three lessons from pornography, contraception, and cohabitation. First, we are all called to be chaste, meaning that we are called to be faithful to our current vocations. Second, the gift of our sexuality is designed for the purpose of marriage. Christopher West, an expert in St. John Paul II’s, Theology of the Body, says that the marriage covenant “calls the spouses to share in the FREE, TOTAL, FAITHFUL and FRUITFUL love of God” (Source: https://www.crossroadsinitiative.com/library_article/374/Basic_Theology_of_Marriage___Christopher_West.html). Third, people are not to be used like cars for test driving or to be used as objects for selfish pleasure, but are to be respected as human beings, created with dignity and made in the image and likeness of God (Gen. 1:26-28).
What are your thoughts? Do you find in your own marriage that you, your spouse or both of you have had a struggle with one or more of the dangers of pornography, contraception, or cohabitation? Perhaps you and your spouse have encountered other problems. What are they? Do you and your spouse talk about it? If not, I challenge you this week to prayerfully and courageously address an issue with your spouse that is long overdue and that has become a danger to your marriage in some way. Bring it to Jesus in prayer to help and heal you. While this is an article that proclaims the teachings of the Church with truth and love, it is not meant to be one of condemnation or judgment. Thanks be to God for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Stay tuned in two weeks for the follow-up article, “3 Aids to Struggling Marriages,” while next week will be a focus on Lent.
In The Life, Love and Healing of the Bridegroom, Jesus Christ,
Fr. Jeff Allan
"Speak The Truth with Love," A Catholic Blog by Fr. Jeff Allan 
Fr. Jeff, so glad to hear from you, God had a plan when he chose you for priesthood. We are lucky to have you as an example. I applaud your openness to broach subjects that some might find uncomfortable to speak of. You have a special gift in connecting to younger adults, who are the future of our Church here on earth. Thanks for your incite, I’m looking forward to more😀. I’m up for the challenge of rediscovering Jesus this Lenten Season, and plan to invite all 5 of my children and Mark to come along on the journey with you! God Bless You, and thank you.
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